Dream of Possibilities

Slowly Becoming Who I Really Am

2011-11-13T23:28:00.000-07:00

So much of life is about sharing: we learn from those around us by listening to their stories, and we share our own experiences and feelings in the same way. Without sharing, life gets lonely. This blog isn't about confessions, but self-realizations, and sharing the ups and downs I experience. This is the attitude with which I write this post:

This past week has been very emotionally stressful. Nothing in my life has changed drastically, just a steady trickle of realizations and building disappointments, slowly developing into a discouraging frustration. I feel like I'm being bludgeoned by Life.

Trying to cope with this, I have turned to all my usual methods of regaining balance and peace in my life - I have an incomplete, but well-rounded, list of all-things-happy that I keep stashed for just these occasions that are nearly guaranteed to make life a little more bearable. Listening to John Denver, going hiking, dancing in the rain, and drinking strawberry milk all helped begin to ease my troubled mind. I took time to read journals from Jerusalem and Fiji, and thought back to all the great friends I've made from my time at BYU. I read this past blog entry, and after all this realized that in my desire to be accepted and found likable, I've slowly been covering up the real me: the quirks, the shortcomings, the nuances that make me unique. I've wanted so much to find friends, to be accepted and loved, that I've become a stagnant, flat shadow of who I once was, lacking depth and dimension.

I cannot continue to be a shadow in my own life. My planned solution? I'm going to work on building some self-confidence. I want to be myself, to feel comfortable with who I am and confident that I am good enough.

Here's to a better tomorrow.

Sabrina fair...

2011-11-12T20:55:00.000-07:00

Have you ever seen the movie Sabrina? I LOVE this movie. There's two versions: the 1954 original and the 1995 remake. Though both have their own strengths and weaknesses, I generally prefer watching the remake. If you have not seen it, it must go on your need-to-watch-this list.

I refuse to spoil the movie for you, but here's a little pertinent background: just after the beginning narration, Sabrina climbs a tree, and spies over the fence at the Larrabee party. It is a magnificent event, and she is enchanted by its romance and magical qualities. (again, you should watch this movie to really understand this post)

Tonight, I had a Sabrina moment. Our house shares a back wall with a lovely outdoor reception center that is very shabby chic and cute. We know whenever there is a reception because we can see the strands of lights beyond the wall and hear the wedding tunes wafting across the yard. (As a side note, I will never understand some of the mind-boggling music selections these couples choose to play at their receptions.)

In order to field a better view of the goings-on tonight, I went outside and scrambled up our tree house. Much like Sabrina, I just sat, listening to the music and watching as the people laughed and danced under the dim twinkling lights and the full moon. I knew no one, nor did I watch anyone in particular, but just appreciated the beauty of such a nice evening. I probably looked much like Sabrina up in her tree, for I certainly felt that same fascination and enchantment.

Expectations Impeding Reality

2011-11-11T23:27:00.000-07:00

Oftentimes, I will approach a situation, circumstance, or event with an expectation. In an attempt to be prepared for how things will go, I tend to plan through my version of what I expect to happen. This may be anticipating what a busy day at work will bring, or how a friend might be feeling, or how a date will go. I will tell myself that it will be a good day, that I will be myself and people will like me for that. Problem is that, more often than not, whether from outside influence or my own ineptitude, my expectations never match up with reality. Sometimes that can be a good thing, and I'm pleasantly surprised. Usually though, things just don't goes as expected, and I'm left wondering how I could have miscalculated to such a severe degree. Work will be exhausting, a friend will forget to call, or the date will be just plain awkward.

When Expectations do not align with Reality, what is there to do? Continue to be You. Because someday, Reality will be better than you ever could have expected. (cliché lesson learned...)

Fortune cookies

2011-10-22T23:05:00.000-07:00

I got this same fortune twice this weekend. I'm thinking the Universe is sending me a message... Road trip anyone?

So, I have this problem...

2011-09-02T17:16:00.003-07:00

Why is it that I can be myself and do just fine until I have to talk to a cute guy, and then suddenly my brain strokes out and I can't find anything intelligible to say?

Or worse, instead of saying nothing, I actually attempt to say something. And then I ramble, or mix up words, or just act like a doofus. And then he looks at me weird.

Frustrating.

Thought of You

2011-08-10T23:44:00.004-07:00

This is so beautiful. The animated dance sequence is paired perfectly with the music. I watch this often, and every time its beauty touches me with a pensive feeling of hopeful melancholy, like an inward sigh that reaches into my soul. I love it.

"All you need is love... love is all you need"

2011-08-07T23:35:00.006-07:00

Today in our testimony meeting at church, there was something shared that really made me think:

Sharing something she'd heard from a man she works with, a girl said that "sometimes all people really need is love." There's a time for advice, suggestions, counseling, and critiques, but sometimes all anyone really needs is love.

I was struck by the simplicity of this. Every approach to a need can be valuable, and every situation is unique, but more often than not, feeling valued, feeling needed, feeling loved, is all that you really need to keep moving on. It's a reminder to keep perspective.

More than once, I've lost perspective. At those times, I've turned to my Savior. Our Savior is the perfect example of charity, of pure love. With His unwavering love, life no longer feels insurmountable. Sometimes I've found His love in prayer, reading scriptures, visiting the temple, or through the love shown by those friends and family around me.

I teach a small group of the most amazing Primary children. Walking into Primary today, one of the girls in my class approached me with a folded note. I thanked her for the note, we exchanged a smile, and she went to her seat. Unfolding the notebook paper, I saw a simple message in pink crayon:

Tears welled in my eyes. Such a simple gesture, from such a pure source, touched my heart with happiness and love. It was my simple reminder to keep perspective. I'm starting to believe that maybe all we really need is love.

Wishing, Dreaming, Hoping (inspired by the musical stylings of Jack Johnson)

2011-07-29T16:43:00.008-07:00

I wished and I dreamed. I had high hopes. Here is the problem with high hopes: they never seem to come to fruition. When hopes are dashed there is just disappointment, a tinge of sadness, and a feeling that ultimately nothing will turn out how you hope they will. Eventually you realize that the dreams you wish and hope for most are usually the ones that are rewritten for you. Considering all this, you'd think that I would learn not to hope. But ironically, it is the hope that someday dreams will be realized and life will be better than hoped for that makes me want to believe.

The Allure of Baseball

2011-06-14T23:25:00.019-07:00

Lesser known fact about me:
I really like baseball.

The appeal for me isn't so much about the teams, the stats, or the players; it's the all-around experience of baseball games. The sensory cues that take me back to Little League summers and after-game snow cones: the noise of the crowd, the crack of the bat hitting the ball, the smell of the grass - it's all awesome! Glad I got to go to a D-backs game tonight.

I Dreamed a Dream...

2011-06-09T23:21:00.000-07:00

Les Mis has always been my favorite musical. Then Wicked came to be. And now the two are tied for favoritest. But really, there is no beating Les Miserables. The message is inspiring, the music is powerful, and overall this show really goes beyond description. It is guaranteed to touch your soul. If you only ever see one musical, this should be it. Thanks to the Parental Units and Sister for such a great night!

Side trips

2011-05-22T22:57:00.016-07:00

This weekend I went up to the Pinetop-Lakeside area to stay with Angel friends at a cabin. It was a most fantastic time, full of laughs, inside jokes, and more laughter, as it always seems to be with the Angels. Love them!!

Part of the fun of road trips is getting-there-and-back-again. And along the way, taking many many photos.

On the way...

There...

And back...

How lucky I was, not only being able to see the desert in its beauty, but also being able to visit my favorite mountains, all in one weekend. Oh happiness.

Dayton's Dash

2011-05-14T19:05:00.005-07:00

So, I officially ran my first 5K. I know, not the most fantastic feat, and admittedly I have run a lot further before, but it's different running "for reals" in an organized event. Yay for finishing!

Spencer, his family and our family, go way back as pageant family. I was so impressed that he organized this event for his Eagle Scout project, and am even more proud of the amazing young man that he's become.

I was so happy that Sister decided to come, as well as seeing a couple of friends whose pace I wasn't quite able to keep up with. Overall, a good run, for a good cause: a good morning.

Come and see the Easter Pageant!

2011-04-22T23:43:00.005-07:00

Read this article about the Easter Pageant, and watch the accompanying video. It is a well-done representation of how special an experience the pageant is for audience and cast alike. It has been my true privilege to perform in the Easter Pageant this year, and to have this unique opportunity to testify of my Savior, His atonement and resurrection. It has been an amazing blessing in my life.

Wishing you all a happy Easter season!

Passover Seder

2011-04-18T00:10:00.000-07:00

Feeling homesick for the Holy Land, I convinced my family that we should have a Passover Seder this year. With a bit of planning, and a lot of searching for all the Kosher ingredients, the preparation was complete. With limited resources, I tried to make the Seder meal as authentic as possible. It was a really fun opportunity for me, to reminisce, and to share my experiences with my family.

Coconut Butterscotch Bars

2011-04-02T11:53:00.002-07:00

Per requests from friends, here is the recipe for my previously-posted dessert:

Coconut Butterscotch Bars

1/2 cup butter, softened
1/2 cup powdered sugar
1 cup flour
1 can (14 ounces) sweetened condensed milk
1 cup butterscotch chips
1-1/3 cup sweetened coconut flakes
1 teaspoon vanilla extract

Heat oven to 350°F. Beat butter and powdered sugar in bowl until blended. Add flour; mix well. Pat mixture onto bottom of ungreased 9-inch square baking pan. Bake 12 to 15 minutes or until lightly browned. Combine sweetened condensed milk, butterscotch chips, coconut, and vanilla; spread over baked layer. Bake 25 to 30 minutes or until golden brown around edges (note: center will not appear set). Cool completely in pan on wire rack. Cut into bars.

I wanted to add a little extra flair, so I melted a handful of semi-sweet chocolate chips then drizzled the melted chocolate on top.

I made these for a friend and brought the extras in to work, and everyone loved them. Enjoy!

What Made Tonight Awesome:

2011-03-31T22:28:00.017-07:00

- Visiting and laughing with family.

- Trying out a new dessert recipe.

- Watching Breakfast at Tiffany's.
(Lots of really great quote snippets; I love those.)

- Easter Pageant Angel rehearsal.

- Groves of fresh citrus blossoms.
- Perfect weather for star-gazing in a hammock.
It was a great night.

Living for Tomorrow

2011-03-07T23:21:00.010-07:00

You know those days where life pushes at you relentlessly from every angle, and you just want to say, "Okay, you win, I give up"? And then you just forfeit today and look forward to tomorrow, knowing that it should be better? Ya, days like today make me wish for tomorrow.

With that said...
I've recently realized that I haven't been appreciating the "seasons" in my life as I should. I keep wishing for tomorrows, not really realizing that the tomorrows I wish for are turning into todays. I haven't fully embraced some of the most exciting times in my life because I was so worried about what was coming the next day, week, month, or year. In short, constantly wishing for my future distracted me from "living in the present". My new goal: live in the present. Be prepared, but focus on embracing what my current position in life can offer. Sure, it's just a change of mindset, but I really think it'll help me to start seeing things from a fresh perspective. Will the new philosophy work? I hope so.

**As a postscript, I wish I could have conveyed the above sentiment without using so many cliché sayings (because it is irksome to use them so frequently) but it was impossible to avoid their overuse and still adequately describe my full view of the matter. For this, I apologize.

A Companion to the Forgotten

2011-02-22T16:35:00.007-07:00

This man, Narayanan Krishnan, has such an amazing story. He started his career as an awarding-winning chef in a five-star hotel in Switzerland. After a visit to see family in India, he decided to quit his job and return home to serve the "forgotten" poor of India. He makes meals and delivers them every day to the homeless, and often gives the men a haircut and a shave; as he says it, "the food will give them physical nutrition, the love and affection which you show will give them mental nutrition." This man's perspective and dedication is inspiring. He provides people who are otherwise forgotten with human dignity. Would that more of us could see people the way he does.

Taylor, the latte boy

2011-02-08T16:48:00.000-07:00

You know those instances in life where you just stop and in your mind you say "wow, I thought things like this only happened in movies?" Those are fun moments, few and far between, but always appreciated.

My movie moment for today: I went into Starbuck's today to get my favorite double chocolaty-chip creme frappuccino. So tasty. I ordered, paid, chatted with the barista and was soon walking out to my car, iced beverage in hand. On further appraisal of my cup, I noticed a name and a number written in sharpie on the cup. Apparently I had made an impression on the guy behind the counter. Was I surprised? Yes. Flattered? Yep.

And for your viewing pleasure, an amusing love song:

World in Words

2011-02-06T23:58:00.000-07:00

Veterans Day

2010-11-11T19:05:00.010-07:00

Such a noteworthy holiday. Thank you to all of the servicemen who have dedicated so much to all of us.

To commemorate this occasion, I will be watching a couple of episodes of M*A*S*H tonight. Good times.

Desert Detours

2010-11-04T23:42:00.007-07:00

Driving back from a conference in Tucson with my father, he decided to take a detour to see the scenic route home, away from the interstate. Well, little did we know that this detour would run directly into construction delays and tack on a few extra hours to our trip. Despite the added hours in the car, it was a great opportunity to spend time with my father, and see some great views of the Saguaro desert and its scenic byways.

BOO-la!

2010-10-30T23:03:00.003-07:00

As you may or may not know, I grew up not liking Halloween at all because it was too spooky, and scary, and I hated the pressure of having to come up with a costume that was "cool". Then a couple of years ago, I had the delayed epiphany that I could enjoy Halloween despite all these factors, and since then I've actually enjoyed the holiday.

It was near to impossible to beat the awesomeness of last year's Halloween, but this year was fun too. I accomplished my goal of carving a decent pumpkin, dressed up in the kameez that I bought in Fiji this past summer, went to a neighborhood block party, and handed out candy to cute little kids dressed as princesses and superheroes. It was a great, non-spooky, night.

Pumpkin Carvin'

2010-10-29T23:10:00.004-07:00

This Halloween I was determined to participate in the traditional custom of carving a pumpkin. It's been a few years since I last carved a pumpkin, and now I remember why I haven't: it's squishy, smelly, very time-consuming, and I lack the natural talent of turning vegetables into aesthetically pleasing art. Still, it was fun. And though I am biased, I think the finished product turned out nicely.

While honing my pumpkin carving skills, we watched Arsenic and Old Lace, a great 1940s comedy starring Cary Grant. I highly recommend this entertaining film to everyone.

Lesson learned this evening: Pumpkin carving, though rewarding, is a challenging task for perfectionists lacking in artistic ability.

Favorite Dessert Ever

2010-10-26T17:51:00.006-07:00

Pavlova = yummy

Dance Battle - Fiji Style

2010-10-23T15:23:00.000-07:00

Yes, listening to this song (though far removed from its original style) brought back all the awesome memories of Dance Signs played in Fiji. It has just the right rhythm, just the right beat, that it was used in most of the preliminary rounds of the game. I miss the in-house dance offs. I miss the HELP International team. I miss Fiji.

Tale as old as time...

2010-10-22T19:40:00.005-07:00

Last night was incredible:

Saying that Beauty and the Beast is my favorite Disney film is an understatement. When I was little, I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up: a veterinarian, a whale trainer at SeaWorld, or Belle from Beauty and the Beast. Well, it turns out that none of those was right, but last night I got to see Beauty and the Beast as a musical, and it was fantastic. The costuming and set design was really neat, and I loved the soaring music that accompanied this "tale as old as time." It was so much fun to see my favorite story acted on-stage. Thanks Mom and Dad for the chance to see this show!

World-Class Sunsets, and Really Yummy Food

2010-10-15T23:48:00.019-07:00

This was the sunset last night:

And this was the sunset tonight:

I'm sensing a trend (besides that I love to take pictures of sunsets): Arizona, simply put, has to rank in the top 3 for the most consistently beautiful sunsets in the world (I have to leave room for other picturesque moments around the globe, and to make my ranking seem slightly less biased).

In other news, I went with my mom and sister to Joe's Farm Grill today, my newest favorite little local food-stop. I can't say enough good things about it. It is a terrific place with a light, original atmosphere and great tasting, fresh food. Everything on the menu is delectable. When you're craving amazing food, come here!!

Before leaving the area, we stopped next door to pick up some goodies at the The Coffee Shop. They have the neatest cupcakes there, and I love going through the pain-staking process of trying to choose which flavor of edible art will best satisfy my craving for sugary goodness. These were our selections today:
(don't judge my attempts at "artsy" photography)

It's hard to tell, but there's actually glitter on the shaved coconut.
Nifty? I think so.

mmm... frosting.

(self-declared best photo)

Yummy.

Meteorological Onslaught

2010-10-05T22:42:00.008-07:00

Today there was a crazy hailstorm that came through the valley of the sun. Of course, I would unknowingly choose to run errands at Target just before the onslaught hit. So there I was, inside Target when we began to hear the rolling thuds of over-sized hail on the roof of the building. And then, just as I had finished perusing the Halloween sugar cookie decorations in the seasonal aisle, it went dark. Before I could really put together why it was dark, the store's generator kicked on, and dim lights flickered to life. I made my way to the checkout line - where all the other customers had also clearly decided to assemble. Luckily, with the generator some of us could complete our purchases with cash, but not one of us was insane or desperate enough to leave and encounter riotous wind or hail the size of grapefruit. We loitered near the exit, watching rain, wind, and other forms of meteorological fury hammer through the disabled automatic doors. It took what I estimated to be 20 minutes or so for the storm to blow over, but I didn't mind the delay; I was enjoying this rather unique experience. When we all decided the storm had been reduced to a temperamental rain, we sped through the doors and set out for our various vehicles. Though most of us were fortunate to be parked in the "higher ground" of the parking lot, some cars were drowning up to their hoods in the lower depressions due to the high influx of water retention. As I surveyed the damage - trees split, limbs scattered, bushes uprooted - I noticed the canopy adjacent to Target was tattered to nothing, and various metal coverings had been blown into the road and even onto power lines. (I applaud our valiant police force for their terrific excellence in first responding and directing traffic around these hazards.) Driving home was an adventure (some intersections I felt like I was drifting more than driving) but the experience overall was much more exciting than any errands trip I had taken before, or since.

(I realize the pictures are not that great, but I tried to do as much justice to the situation as I was able with my camera phone.)

Twisted metal in the shrubbery.

And metal hanging nonchalantly from the power lines.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch... A view of the torrential storm from our house, courtesy of mom. (No justice is done whatsoever by this picture; what you cannot see are the garbage cans that have been toppled and blown down the street.)

*Disclaimer*: I am absolutely aware that this is in no way a "natural disaster," "catastrophe," or any type of real endangering circumstance. I do not mean to make it out that way. It was merely an unusual situation for a weather-temperate region, and a rather entertaining occurrence that I had fun relating. That is all. :)

Priceless

2010-10-03T23:09:00.017-07:00

G eneral Conference this October was terrific as always. I enjoyed so many of the addresses and counsel that we received from our prophets and leaders. Not many experiences are as neat as listening to words from our church leaders twice a year in conference, receiving counsel through them from God. A great part about General Conference is to occasionally get a chance to make the "pilgrimage" to what I fondly refer to as Mormon Mecca: Salt Lake City. Part of the excitement for me is getting to see all the beautiful buildings there on Temple Square, like the Conference Center, the Tabernacle, and the Temple. The inspiring words we listen to in Conference seem to have amplified impact when I'm surrounded by such astounding architecture.

I had the pleasure of getting to see my brother while we were in Salt Lake. He is currently serving as a full-time missionary in the Utah Salt Lake City Mission - and I'm so proud of him. We had the unique opportunity to sit with him during a session of conference, and it was such a joy.

After one of the sessions I saw a friend of mine from Jerusalem study-abroad who is also serving in Salt Lake. We were having a family picnic so she and her companion came along as well. It was quite fun. We had a picnic lunch. In the parking garage. Awesome.

Summary:
Being in the Conference Center: beautiful. Listening to prophets' words: amazing. Sharing picnic lunch with my missionary brother in a parking garage: priceless.

Yellow

2010-09-21T22:52:00.005-07:00

Pretty sunset tonight.

Minor Creature Encounter

2010-09-13T18:30:00.009-07:00

Out on the front porch today I happened upon a little friend:

He was such a cute little guy, and he brightened up my day. (sounds silly, I know) He had quite a bit of energy for such a small gecko, but once he realized I wasn't going to hurt him (or perhaps that escape wasn't a possibility) he was content to lie still for a little while.

He really was so small!

He had a good ol' time scurrying around and climbing a bit, and then, upon mutual agreement, he was released back into the wild - or at least, back onto the brick wall that he calls home.

My Best Friend's Wedding

2010-08-27T13:25:00.009-07:00

One of my only regrets about being in Fiji this summer: I missed Becca's wedding. Becca was my freshman roommate and one of the greatest friends I've made at BYU. Though it would be over-the-top to say that we were put together in Helaman Halls by divine intervention, it was definitely more than a coincidental random assignment. I credit her for so much of the happiness and fun of freshman year. Becca, thanks for teaching me how to find the fun in everything. I loves you!! :)

Yep, life is good. :)

2010-08-25T13:17:00.001-07:00

Ready or not... I'm Back!

2010-08-24T13:09:00.002-07:00

Double-chocolaty-chip frappachino at LAX. Yum!! I'm happy to be back in America, but I have this nagging desire to hop right back onto a Pacific Airways flight direct to Nadi. Instead, I'll be back in Phoenix in a matter of hours. I'll get to see family again, and life will be good. :)

Finally in FIJI

2010-05-01T07:40:00.000-07:00

To the few who may actually be following this - and I love those of you that are - I am finally in Fiji for my internship! It's such a beautiful paradise here, and the people have been so welcoming to us. We're staying in a town on the northern side of the main island called Tavua. I'll be updating a blog specifically for Fiji this summer, so if you wanted to keep updated on my goings-on for the next 4 months, keep tabs on kaylainfiji.blogspot.com. Thanks all, much love, and Bula!!

Unrest at Home

2010-03-17T12:55:00.024-07:00

This is a photo from the front page of the New York Times today.

I first saw it at work, perusing the paper during my break. I think my initial reaction may have startled some of those around me when I recognized this familiar roadway. This is a road that we walked up and down innumerable times while I lived in Jerusalem. It's the road we always took from my beloved Jerusalem Center to the Old City. Some basic topography: the road, from this angle, curves down to the right, then goes back up the hill from the Kidron Valley to the JC.

Here is a picture of the JC. It was comforting to remember how amazing the JC security team is. Students at the JC are always safe and well protected.

Notice the road in the midground; it is the same road that is in the previous photo, but after the road curves. Pretty close proximity to the center. But it is the proximity and familiarity with this place that makes this situation real for me; it's more than a typical global occurrence half a world away. These are events happening in my heartland.

The street door pictured below is on the left side of the street by the second utility pole. When I took this picture, it seemed to me a scene of peace, serenity, and contentment. It's so strange to see it all changed and portrayed so differently from what I knew.

I am so grateful that I was blessed with the opportunity to go to the Holy Land and experience the wonders of Jerusalem at a relatively tranquil time. I cherish those beautiful memories, and I still (probably naively) hope for peace there someday.

My excuses

2010-02-22T15:10:00.004-07:00

My fabulous roommate recently pointed out that I hadn't posted anything on my blog for a long time. My excuse was that nothing noteworthy had happened in my life, hence no blog posting. She didn't accept this as an excuse. I offered others such as my lack of available time, bouts of writer's block, no descriptive photos to accompany my writing, and so forth. She didn't accept any of those excuses either. I'm out of excuses. I make no guarantees for a significant increase in posts. But I'll try. Thanks for the encouragement Sarah! :)

Some Thoughts Before Dreams...

2010-01-17T04:14:00.010-07:00

Sometimes it's nice to share late night (and sometimes very late night) hours with someone. To illustrate for instance, my most awesome mom was kind enough to read one of my favorite bedtime stories to me tonight (complete with her fantastic character voices) from over 600 miles away before we both tried to get some sleep. Ha, take that insomnia!! :) Thank you, Mom, for making the world--and my life in it--better. And for encouraging me to dream.

Now time to settle in for some sleep. Hopefully those good dreams will come around before dawn and daybreak do. :)

Bula vinaka!

2009-12-10T23:58:00.001-07:00

So, it's been quite a long busy day, with a handful of awesome and exciting stuff, but before I try sleep for the night, I'd like to share that I've been accepted to an internship this summer in

FIJI!

More details to come. :)

Best Halloween Ever

2009-10-31T15:17:00.000-07:00

It was the best Halloween ever, mostly because it felt so little like Halloween to me (it's never been my favorite holiday).

I drove down to AZ to get my car checked and cleared, so it was fun to throw in a visit with my family. Driving home, I stopped at Cove Fort to take a rest, and when I was ready to go, I got some great landscape photos of the surrounding area.

It was wonderful to spend time with my family, even if it was just a quick weekend. I missed seeing Brantley; I kept wondering when he'd get home, always forgetting he's on his mission. I miss him, but I'm glad he's doing well.

So why was this Halloween so different? Because it was more of a "Nightmare Before Christmas" type holiday, with Christmas fusing into Halloween. Our home was decorated with Halloween decor, but the presence of the Christmas tree in the family room made it a little less haunting than usual. And while handing out candy to trick-or-treaters, we played Christmas tunes. It was so fantastic!

Lauren was a BYU fan. I was confused.

My mom is the absolute best!

Oh, and my dad isn't in costume; he's always a BYU fan, not just for Halloween. :)

Raindrops Keep Fallin' On My Head

2009-09-14T11:10:00.006-07:00

What an interesting time this has been, these past few days. I hit rock bottom Saturday night, and began crying out all the frustration and pain I have been experiencing (it actually turned out to be a good outlet). Suddenly, and unpredictably, I began to laugh at myself. I was laughing at myself as I realized my considerably pathetic situation: a 21-year-old college girl crying inconsolably, left alone on a Saturday night (it is an all-too-classic situation that in the past I have laughed at the seeming ridiculousness of it...and now I found myself in that exact situation). It was quite a novel experience to me, laughing at myself, and then literally 10 seconds later, bursting back into tears. I felt alone, and altogether unwanted, and yet the combined crying/laughing technique actually turned out to be surprisingly therapeutic; except for a couple of tears yesterday caused by extraneous factors, I have since then felt a renewed sense of confidence and optimism. I feel like I can overcome any and all of these challenges that I am now facing. Much of this renewed confidence in life I owe to the support of my roommates and friends. When I was crying, they made sure I had someone to cry with. When I was laughing, they were laughing along with me. When I had to talk it all out, they listen and give advice and alternative perspectives that help me to more fully consider my situation and its alternatives. I have come to value true friendship and the support that those friends render.

Today as I was in my latin dance class, we watched through the large windows in our studio at the torrential rain and brilliant lightning. When class had finished, I turned to go up the seemingly endless hill of stairs and saw a cascade of water traveling down the steps, as if all of upper campus had flooded and was now draining down toward our building on lower ground. As I peered over the edge of the outdoor stairs, I saw the cascade of water drop off over the ledge to create a magnificent sheet waterfall. As the clouds quickly dissipated, and the sun came through, I saw as fleeting rainbows appeared here and there, shining through the prismic waterfall. It was a new sense of wonder that I hadn't before experienced, and significantly brightened my day by making me realize the wonder of my surroundings.

As I walked in to my next class, the professor was playing a song to welcome us: B.J. Thomas' "Raindrops Keep Fallin On My Head." It's from one of my favorite old(er) movies, "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid." It was a great way to start the class, even with the quiz that quickly followed.

I enjoyed the rain today. It made me smile. :)

Wow, what a summer...

2009-09-09T14:26:00.003-07:00

...and now on to the next adventures. I apologize to anyone who may actually be following this blog of mine for not updating this summer. So much was happening in everyday life, and with seemingly less and less usable free time day after day, I made the conscious decision to skip blogging and just live life every available moment. And it turned out to be a quite memorable summer. I worked in physical therapy and learned a lot in my four months at the clinic. I worked with some wonderful people whom I enjoyed associating with. I was able to spend much of my free time with my family, and experienced some awesome things with them - like when my brother got his mission call to... Salt Lake City, UTAH; and my sister is now in high school - yikes! I reconnected with some old friends, and met a couple of new ones. I learned so much this summer about others, and about myself. I deepened relationships with friends and family, and became a more well-rounded, fulfilled, "better" person.

Now, it's back to BYU for another semester of adventure, friendship, academics, stress, and fun. Oh, and of course, much more learning (life is full of learning, learning of all kinds). I have excellent roommates, a fun ward, and a rigorous academic schedule. I am looking forward to how things will turn out. Hopefully it'll be a happy ending. :)

My Brantley is My Hero

2009-05-19T13:06:00.002-07:00

My brother recently received an award that I believe speaks very highly of his character, persistence, and courage. My mom wrote about it on our family's blog. I'm so proud of my brother and all that he's accomplished through his trials, and I'm glad he has had the opportunity to influence and help others even through his difficulties. Thanks for being strong; I love ya bro!

Birthdays are great

2009-04-14T16:27:00.007-07:00

Happy Birthday, to me!

I'm finally 21 years old. It doesn't feel nearly as splendid as I had anticipated, but then again, all the things I can now legally do hold no real appeal to me, so I guess it's just another birthday. :) I'm glad my mom is up here to celebrate with me, and I have such great roommates and friends that have made it a fantastic day. Here's to being one year older and, with any luck, wiser too!

I have the most incredible friends...

2009-03-16T14:28:00.008-07:00

I know that it is cliche, and everyone says it, but I really have the most incredible friends out of anyone.

This semester has been a complete roller coaster with regard to every aspect in my life. There have been many highs, and many, many lows. And yet every time I face a challenge, I've found comfort, solace, and joy being surrounded by friends. And although I have been blessed for so long, it wasn't until this weekend that I truly discovered and realized the love that surrounds me.

On Friday night my friend Bryan hosted a barbecue get-together. Good food, great friends. Afterward, we gathered a few additional people and played a game of ultimate frisbee, a game I never knew about until I entered the collegiate realm. For those blog readers who may be unfamiliar with this sport, it involves tossing a frisbee to team members in an effort to score points in an endzone. It's very similar in practice to soccer, just involving much more hand-eye coordination than soccer since kicking frisbees often proves to be quite ineffective. In the end, it was a terrific game (ending in a tie) with great athletic ability showcased by many.

Saturday was absolutely crazy, even more so than those of the past few months. It was the usual 6 hours of BYU Lu'au rehearsal in the morning, followed by an intramural soccer game (our team is the JC Jihad, and is comprised of people from my Jerusalem study abroad), and then a 4 hour dress rehearsal for Lu'au (why we had to go through 10 hours of rehearsal in one day I do not understand). Directly following the dress rehearsal I went to a Relief Society enrichment meeting.

In the end, it was an absolutely exhausting day, and I hadn't even started with homework, housework, or any other typical Saturday activities. I just wanted to collapse and sleep away all of my stresses and worries. But, there was a BYU rugby game - and I absolutely love to watch rugby. So, my friend Marcus and I went out to watch rugby, and I had a great time (it was a dynamic game, and we ended up winning, or course).

Later that night, we just were hanging out on the porch and decided to grab a camera. And the fun began... I won't go into all the various details, but the basic jist is that I haven't enjoyed myself like that or laughed that hard for a long time.

On Sunday one of my friends from high school had his mission homecoming (he served in Milan Italy mission) up in Orem, so I went to be supportive, and just to see him again. It was so good to see a familiar face, plus his family is fantastic, so it was a win-all situation.

Sunday night/way-early Monday morning (midnight-ish) I went with Bryan, Mike, and Kimmy to Denny's for a late-night food outing. It was so fun to go out and enjoy their company; it was an excellent blend of diverse personalities, opinions, and perspectives. Again, one of the best nights I've had in quite some time.

In the end, the point of this rambling post is that I truly have the most incredible friends. There are even more that I have not mentioned in this post who are always there for me, and I am infinitely appreciative of them. They are all supportive, uplifting, and fantastically fun. I really couldn't ask for a better conglomeration of intimate acquaintances. Life is good.

No Words

2009-02-17T00:48:00.004-07:00

I've had a lot on my mind lately, and it's been a little exhausting thinking through it all and attempting to figure things out. I don't think there are words to fully describe everything, but here's a little bit of an insight, though I apologize if it comes out haphazardly...

I enjoy immersing myself in the scriptures. I like the nuances of each book of scripture: the Old Testament and its ancient Hebrew traditions; the New Testament - after visiting Israel I have a whole new appreciation for it all; the Book of Mormon is a great foundation of faith and a unique testament of Jesus Christ as Messiah; the Doctrine and Covenants - God's word to his people in the Latter-days; and the Pearl of Great Price, with its insights into the premortal life (I love learning about this topic in particular; what was it really like? I wonder...)

Jerusalem is my true home, and my heart will always be there. I love the people I met there, and I am grateful for the experiences that I had there - they changed me and made me who I am now.

I like it when I feel needed. When people acknowledge they need me, I feel valued by them.

I love to dance, and though I am not ever the best dancer, I still enjoy it most of the time.

I think it would be nice to have good dreams more often. Most nights I have nightmares.

I really don't know what I will do with my life, but I know that I want it to be significant. I want to make a difference.

I find the stars fascinating and I love stargazing.

I am very indecisive. What if I choose wrong?

I am an intellectual. I enjoy learning. I try to learn new things everyday.

My favorite Disney princess is Belle from Beauty and the Beast. Though fictitious, she is one of my role models.

I tend to worry and stress a lot.

I like bubbles.

I took an anatomy class last semester and absolutely loved it. Cadavers don't bother me.

I like to listen.

I have a freckle on my eye. It's my favorite distinguishing feature.

I like the sound of rain, and the smell of rain in the desert.

I hate waking up in the mornings, but when I can convince myself that it is worthwhile, I enjoy watching the sun rise.

I love sunsets more. The best ones are in Arizona, Jerusalem, and the Galilee.

I like hugs. A lot. I like to be held and have physical contact; it's comforting and reassuring.

I like to smile and laugh.

I love my family. They are the few who really understand who I am.

I love the friends that I have. They make me smile and laugh and bring true enjoyment to my life.

One of the ways I find true joy is by helping and serving others. If I can bring happiness to someone else, I am content.

What if I disappoint my Heavenly Father? This is my greatest fear.

I am quite the hopeless romantic at heart. Someday I will find a man who loves me forever. This is my greatest hope.

I want to be the best me I can be.

Life is hard, but I think it is worth it all.

My Mom...

2009-01-29T23:14:00.006-07:00

I love you Mom!! I'm so glad that cancer surgery went well, and that you are gradually improving. Thanks for being my best friend. I admire you so much, how you persevere with faith through all the challenges that are given you. You are incredible, and I hope to follow your stalwart example. I love you!

Progress & Gratitude

2008-10-08T16:25:00.005-07:00

So, I want to thank all of you that have been praying for my brother and doing such kind things for my family. To my understanding, he has been improving and is showing progress beyond what they initially anticipated. He will be in therapy for some time, and it will be a difficult and slightly frustrating journey; but as far as I understand it, they think he will eventually make a nearly full recovery. He is improving and progressing daily, a slow yet steady progress. I miss him very much and cannot wait to see him again, but I am so glad that things are finally beginning to look up for him again. I love my Brantley, and I am so thankful to all those who have been there for him (and will continue to be by his side) while he goes through all of this.

Thoughts and Prayers

2008-09-25T06:42:00.002-07:00

I found out late last night that my 18-year-old brother Brantley will be having neurosurgery within the next couple of days. I don't know a lot of details, just what I was able to hear from my mom last night. From what I was told, he is in the best of care (best neurological institute, and the surgeon he has is the best at the operation he requires). However, as I was told, it is a very delicate and slightly risky procedure. I am sure that he will be fine, but that does not ease the anxiety and concern I feel for my brother, especially since at this time I am away from home at BYU. I would very much appreciate any thoughts and prayers you may offer in my brother's behalf. I don't mean to ask a lot, but I know the power prayer has. Thank you for joining in support of me and my family at this time. Love to all.

Inspired by Inspirational Speakers

2008-09-16T17:56:00.009-07:00

Today, the BYU devotional was given by Ronan Tynan. I had never heard of him before, but after listening to him, I am amazed at what he has accomplished with his life.

Ronan was born with lower limb abnormalities, and had a double leg amputation at the age of 20. But that did not prevent him from moving into international competition in track and field. Over a four year period, he accumulated 18 gold medals from various competitions (including the Summer Paralympics) and set 14 world records, all the while with the assistance of two artificial legs. He later became a physician, and then went into studying music. After entering into a prestigious voice competition in Ireland - and winning - Ronan became a member of the the Irish Tenors.

He is a very amusing person who sees things with great humor, but it was his music that I found particularly captivating. He sang a beautiful song for us called "Isle of Hope, Isle of Tears" as well as an original song about his mother struggling with Alzheimer's - "Passing Through." If his story wasn't inspiring enough, his vocal finesse surely was.

Some tidbits of wisdom from Ronan:

Focus on what you have, not what you want.

"I'm great." Say it every day.

Life can only be learned from by looking backward, but can only be lived by moving forward.

The biggest risk in your life is not to take the (reasonable) risks.

Life is driven from inside you.

We cannot become who we need to be by staying who we are.

Life is for living.

Doctrinal Instruction and Insights

2008-09-07T22:20:00.005-07:00

Today we had our regional stake conference (or some title to that effect) at the Marriott Center. It was a great meeting, with the building filled with students from BYU and Orem student stakes. Marlin K. Jensen, of the Quorum of the Seventy, was there, as was Ann M. Dibb, Second Counselor of the Young Women General Presidency, Boyd K. Packer, President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, and Dieter F. Uchtdorf, Second Counselor in the First Presidency. All in all, a very impressive collection of church leaders.

I enjoyed all the messages that these leaders gave (though of course some topics made a greater impact on me than others did). According to a Jewish proverb, "Empathy is feeling your pain in my heart." Elder Jensen, in relation to this, gave a wonderful address on accepting those who may be "culturally conspicuous" in modern Mormon culture, and actively seeking to be compassionate and sensitive to needs of those around us.

Sister Dibb's message made me focus on what is real in my life, and what may be counterfeits of those real things. In the end, she made me consider a new criteria for myself when making decisions and choices by introspectively asking the question "Does this really matter?"

I loved listening to President Packer. I enjoy listening to his warm, slightly gravelly voice; I find it very welcoming and comforting. He shared a lot of stories, and wrapped up his address in a quasi Bob Marley type fashion with the phrase "Fear is the opposite of faith... Have faith; everything is going to be alright."

Finally, President Uchtdorf gave some guidelines for keeping my life on the path and progressing forward: I need to frequently conduct a "calm, periodic, reasoned assessment" of myself and make sure I am 1) attempting to personally develop faith of my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, and 2) strengthen eternal marriage and family. And I need to rely and trust in the Lord.

Later tonight Elder Jeffrey R. Holland came to the Marriott Center and gave a CES fireside (I feel so fortunate to be attending a university where I can attend first hand addresses by two apostles of the Quorum of the Twelve, and a member of the First Presidency all within the same day). Elder Holland's talk was absolutely inspiring, all about Joseph Smith's time in Liberty Jail, and then comparing that to the times that we face in our own lives that challenge us... our own trying, testing times in "Liberty Jail." If you didn't get the opportunity to listen to his address, I strongly recommend that you take some time and do so. Here, I'll even make it easier for you. :) I took up Elder Holland's challenge and read Doctrine and Covenants sections 121, 122, & 123 that night, and gained some incredible insights by doing so. They truly are inspiring revelations that serve as solid encouragement and strength.

I'm in a Doctrine and Covenants course here at BYU this semester, and I am only now beginning to realize the influence of this book of scripture. It is the only book in the standard works where the Lord's revelations are given undiluted by the perspective of the prophets. Nothing against the ancients like Abraham, Moses, and Nephi; all are incredible beyond comprehension and personal heroes of mine. But then again, reading the Doctrine and Covenants presents a whole new way of coming to know and understand the Lord. You are able to read His words with His own syntax, the way he spoke them, personally addressing his servants. I believe that this can offer insights into the Lord's personality and character that we may not otherwise have. He both rebukes and blesses His servants; He is merciful and compassionate; He constantly invites us to come to Him, to follow Him so that He may bless us and enlighten us through revelation, so that we may be heirs with Him in God's kingdom. It is absolutely incredible and nearly incomprehensible that I can somehow develop a strong and deep relationship with God, but I know that I can take baby steps toward it.

Sometimes You Wanna Go Where Everybody Knows Your Name...

2008-09-03T21:36:00.004-07:00

"... and they're always glad you came."

Tonight was our first "official" JC (Jerusalem Center) reunion for this semester. It's been a full year now since I first met my fellow Jerusalem classmates, and I can't believe how amazingly great friends we are. In fact, I refer to them as my JC family. Yes, it's cheesy, but it's the only way I've found to describe the bond I have with these friends. I cannot begin to express the closeness I feel to these friends, but I will try nonetheless to illustrate. They are the kind of people that, if I see them on campus, in a store, or walking down the street, I enthusiastically hug them and try to find out everything happening in their lives. These are the kind of people that I would do anything for, that I want to be at my wedding, funeral, and any other major life events. These are some of the people that I most look forward to spending eternity with. This is the kind of relationship I have with my JC family.

So, as many of us that could make it met up at a house some of the guys are living in. And it was a great reunion. I was so extraordinarily happy to see everyone again. There were hugs and laughter all around; it was exactly what I was needing right now in my life. I hadn't realized how much I'd missed my JC habbibis. Most of them I hadn't seen for about four months, which is a long time when you consider you were only actually in Jerusalem for four months, and I've only known them for a grand total of one year. Still, those four months in Jerusalem were the best I've had so far, and these people were a lot of what made that experience the life-changing experience that it was. (Also, due credit should be given to the amazing and memorable faculty and staff living in Jerusalem; they are amazing and also made Jerusalem incredible for me.)

Craig has done an incredible job compiling photos of our travels and studies and putting our memories to music, creating this really awesome DVD for our audiovisual enjoyment (and reminiscing). In fact, near the end of the party, there were but a few of us that remained, and as we watched select videos and listened to audio clips (like the Adhan [call to prayer]), we were all ready to return to the Holy Land.

I was so happy to see so many of my friends again, and I'm so glad to see so many of them so happy. I'm so happy that I was able to spend those joyous Jerusalem months with these wonderful friends. I hope that in the coming future I will be able to spend a lot of time with my habbibis.

I'm Back at BYU Again

2008-09-02T22:15:00.009-07:00

Well, the dreaded/blessed day has arrived... Fall semester started today, and I am now officially back at BYU. It has taken me a while to get settled in here, primarily because I was trying to adjust housing, but I'm mostly moved in now. Still in the smallest room, with the lesser space (I'm ranked six out of six on the apartment food chain I suppose), but I am determined to make it work. I suppose I'll just consider it my corner in this world (literally, almost, just a corner). :) I'm in the same ward I was in last winter semester when I got back from Jerusalem, and it is really good to see familiar faces. And Becca lives (more or less) next door, so that's great too.

Thus far, it seems like I'll be in some great classes this semester. There are one or two that I am slightly less than thrilled about taking, but I'm sure there'll be at least a couple of days that make the whole semester worthwhile, right? At least, that's how I'm gambling it. But there are some classes that I am anticipating will be fantastic. Like gross anatomy. No, not like ewww, gross. It's anatomy that deals with the macroscopic structure of tissues and organs. In other words, trying understand the whole picture of where structures are in the human body. Anyway, I am immensely excited for this course because, among other reasons, I have always been interested in this subject. We studied anatomy and physiology in Academic Decathlon my senior year, and I really loved it, so I'm hoping this semester will go well too. I'm most saddened by the fact that I most likely won't be in a dance class this semester. Dance is a great outlet for me, and it was always nice to focus on something other than solid academic bookwork for a change.

Anyway, hopefully this semester (and the next one as well) will be amazingly awesome. At the very least, I know that I will be learning a lot.

Fantastically Fun Family Photos

2008-08-21T21:22:00.007-07:00

I am so excited... the last time my family had an official "family portrait" was about 11 years ago. Needless to say, we've all changed a bit since then (some of us more than others; Mom, you're still as youthful as ever). One of our family friends was kind and generous enough to offer a family photo shoot for us. It was such great fun, and she dealt with our semi-quirky family dynamics rather well I thought. Thanks so much for letting us have such a great time and providing the photos to go with the memories!

(more family photos are on her photography website)

It's Hard to Come Back to Reality

2008-08-18T23:40:00.012-07:00

This past weekend I went to California for a fantastic final summer vacation. My mom and I made the journey together, which was some wonderful mother/daughter time, at least I thought. :) I'm very grateful for the time I spent with my mom this summer. I feel like I have gotten much closer to her, and we have a better relationship now. Thanks Mom!

We spent some time in Disneyland, putting our annual passes to some good use. I love the atmosphere of Disneyland; it's so happy, fun, and magical (cheesy I know, but true). I love that we could enjoy the rides and attractions, but also be just as happy walking up and down Main Street USA taking it all in. Oh,and I finally mailed a letter from Disneyland! That's another thing checked off of my life's list.

My favorite part of Disneyland is still Fantasmic! For those of you who have never experienced it, Fantasmic is a performance that incorporates the Disney characters, water projection screens, pyrotechnics, and much more. It's definitely a live entertainment extravaganza. Every time we visit Disneyland, it's the one thing that I have to see. It's definitely my recommendation that you see Fantasmic on your next visit.

I was able to stay for a time with my best friend Becca, and have an absolutely fantastic time with her and her family. I haven't been able to see her much lately it seems, and it was great to remember why we're such great friends. She brings out the best in me, even if that "best" is usually my goofy side. She is one I can always count on a having a fun time with. Becca and her family were very hospitable and friendly; it was wonderful to feel at home with family. One of the many fun things we did was go out to Honolulu Harry's. Since I met Becca she's been trying to convince me about how fantastic this place is, and now that I have finally experienced it, I understand. The Hawaiian nachos (though not even really justified by the label "nachos") were absolutely amazing, and the atmosphere was incredible!! For those of you who don't know this about me, I love polynesian culture, so this Hawaiian place was my dream decor. Mahalo for the fun times Becca!

Allison, a past roommate, got married in San Diego this weekend, and I was able to go to her reception in Pacific Palisades. It is a beautiful area, which matched the wonderful feeling of happiness that accompanied this event. She was so beautiful in her wedding dress, and her smiles were very contagious. Dave, her new husband, is an awesome guy, and I'm so happy for the both of them. And I must say, they hosted quite the extravagant party. I believe good times were had by all, and of course I'm biased, but I loved that they had dancing at the reception. I'm glad that I had the opportunity to celebrate with my friends; congratulations Dave & Allison!

Unfortunately, the fun couldn't last forever, and I had to return back to my reality. Now I'm wrapping up my life in Arizona, packing up and getting ready to go back to BYU. I'm a bit worried about how things will work out this year. I think I'm excited to go back, but I don't think I'll really feel it until I actually get back up there.

A New Beginning

2008-08-01T21:46:00.007-07:00

So. I have been attempting to record my experiences in Jerusalem on my blog Kayla in Jerusalem for nearly a year now. Though I fully intend to finish sharing my international adventures on my blog, I'm moving back to the "real world" and starting up this blog, Dream of Possibilities. I've found since returning from the Holy Land that I have been living in the past and not living in the present. I want to remember those best times over in Jerusalem, but I also need to experience the here and now, and look forward to the future. No guarantees on what I'll be recording here, but I hope that it will be insightful, entertaining, and even at times inspirational. So, here goes...